Movies That I Will NEVER See - 02/01/07

Hey, what do you know? Another week, another attempt by studios to cash-in on the lobotomized masses. Here's the movies that I, for one, will be bypassing.


HANNAH MONTANA & MILEY CYRUS: BEST OF BOTH WORLDS CONCERT
If you're a pedophile-weirdo or have the misfortune raising "tween-aged" children, then you have probably heard of Hannah Montana. Hannah Montana is the alter ego of Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter Miley, and the star of the latest cram-it-down-your-throat-until-you-fucking-choke offering from The Disney Channel. Apparently this 3D concert will only be showing for one week; but given the pathetic dedication of Hannah Montana fans, that should be ample time for Disney to make enough money to let Pixar go. Just kidding.








THE EYE
By now, everyone is aware of the mathematical fact that Jessica Alba's sex appeal and quality of film roles are inversely proportional. Never in the history of the universe has someone so attractive been consistently attached to such loathsome projects. In this sure-to-be-garbage thriller, Alba plays a blind a girl that undergoes miracle eye-transplant surgery. The only problem is, her new seeing ability is plagued by visions of creepy-shit that's suspiciously reminiscent of creepy-shit from The Ring and The Grudge. Sounds . . . creepy. Seriously though, who wouldn't do her?







OVER HER DEAD BODY
Professional scene-stealer Paul Rudd and overrated basketball star marrying slut Eva Longoria team up in another movie about a dead girlfriend that just won't go away. Didn't Reese Witherspoon play this exact same role a couple years ago? You know, the other metaphysical romantic that I didn't see--the one with Napoleon Dynamite and Mark Ruffalo in it. That's right! This must be a very timely remake of that classic.









STRANGE WILDERNESS
I think it's high-time that we all band together and make a pact to not go see every movie that has Jonah Hill is in. I mean, I love his white-man fro and and jovial overweight appearance as much as the next guy, but soon or later you have to put your foot down. This movie is so terrible, that I don't even know what the fuck it's about. All I can gather from the trailers is that a couple of guys film animals and do voice-overs ala Bob Saget from his America's Funniest Home Videos days. Oh, and Jonah Hill is in it wearing a pink thong. Now that's comedy!