Movies That I Will NEVER See - 01/25/07

Every week movie studios unleash a tidal wave of shit upon us. Movies that are so foul, so abhorrent in every conceivable way that they make me sad to be alive. That may sound melodramatic, but hey, it's fucking true. So in an attempt to get some semi-regular update action going on around here, I thought it'd be fun to bash the terrible movies each week.

For the first installment, we've got some real goddamn stinkers--and by "stinkers," I mean straight from the Bog of Eternal Stench. Really fucking terrible. Shameful. Poop.


MEET THE SPARTANS
They should have called this one Not Another Spoof Movie. Seriously though, when did 300 come out? Please wait while I consult Wikipedia . . . OK, 300 came out in March of 2007--less than a year ago! The immediacy of this shit-fest-cash-in makes it even more pathetic.

HOW SHE MOVE

First things first: No one should go see a movie that has an improperly conjugated verb in its title. And I don't know about you guys, but I'm amazed at the sweatshop-like speed and efficiency movie studios demonstrate when making these things. Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that 47% of all films released last year involved dancing. So if you just can't get enough of the yard stomping, serving, or stepping up that's already available on DVD, then by all means check this one out.

UNTRACEABLE
Fresh from the success of Diane Lane's other "UN" movie comes Untraceable. But unlike Unfaithful. this Internet-inspired crime thriller looks uninteresting, uninspiring, and just plain unwatchable. Is unscary a word? Too bad.

RAMBO

For the better part of two decades, Sylvester Stallone made a very successful career for himself by playing mildly-retarded tough guys. But some where around . . . say 15 years ago, people finally got tired of his schlock. So in a desperate attempt to regain a fanbase, Stallone has resorted to making completely unnecessary sequels to franchises that have already been ran into the ground. Personally, I can't wait for the next Over The Top. The arm-wrestling genre has been dormant for far too long.