Ambitionz Az A Ryder

There's something about the persistence of the paparazzi and the immediacy of available information that makes the public feel like they know celebrities. These days A-listers can't even sneeze without making the cover of Us Weekly. And do any of the gossip-hungry masses (myself included,) really know two goddamn things about these people? No, but it's fun to pretend to.

Here's an example: From the photos of I've seen and the articles that I have read, I know, 100%, without hesitation that Ben Affleck is an idiot--a real douchie kinda guy. Not the type of person I'd invite to one of parties. Conversely, through those sources I have come to know that George Clooney is fucking cool. Totally someone that would have a permanent spot on the invite list to my parties.

See how that works? I know this stuff because they told me. The same applies for female celebrities, in this fucked-up-faux-sense-of-familiarity media world that we live in.

A while back, I decided that I would date Winona Ryder, but more importantly, I decided that Winona Ryder would date me. Why Winona Ryder, you ask? Well, for one thing she's fucking gorgeous, she's single, and add to that the fact that she was in some of the hippest movies of my childhood (Beetlejuice, Heathers, etc.,) and bingo. Girlfriend material. But these realizations go beyond the desire to realize a boyhood crush, however. I know that Winona and I would be for the same reasons that I know that Ben Affleck sucks and that George Clooney is awesome.

Your typical female celebrity is photographed incessantly doing everything from buying a cup of coffee to showing the world their cooch while exiting a limo. It's a life they signed up for the moment they entered the biz, so while it may be annoying, they can't really complain about it. This type of coverage on famous femmes like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears has totally derailed any possibility of me dating them. I'd do them, to be sure, but date? I think not. After all, anyone who knows me knows that I don't date coffee-drinking-cooch-flashing sluts anymore.

And then there's Winona. Her celebrity status has no doubt waned since her late 80s to mid 90s boom, but that's actually appealing. Still famous, but not an overly-photographed fashionista skank. Which of course means she's more down-to-earth, and way more my style.

I know what you're going to say . . . "What about the shoplifting thing?" And to that, I say who gives a shit? There's far worse things she could be doing, like Robert Downey Jr. type of stuff. So after all these years, the only scandal she has hanging over her head is lifting a few designer scarves. I say that's pretty good.

More important than her lack of scandals, is her lack of baggage. No kids, no ex-husbands, no nonsense. At 36-years-old, that's fucking amazing. My friends and I are 25, and it's damn near impossible to meet someone who doesn't have a baby's daddy or obsessive ex hanging around.

Scroll up and look at that picture again. Damn, damn, damn. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to move to LA to actualize our love affair.