Movies That I Will NEVER See - 02/08/07

There must've have been a catastrophe at the shit factory this week, because only two turds are rolling out of the assembly line on Friday. And I don't know about you guys, but I'll take a shirtless Matthew McConaughey and Martin Lawrence getting hit in the groin repeatedly over a Sylvester Stallone "comeback" any day. But that doesn't mean they're any good!


FOOL'S GOLD
Matthew McConaughey shows off his pecs while Kate Hudson over-acts until you want to kill yourself. That's the gist of this romantic-comedy-adventure dud that reunites the stars from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Movies like this make me sad, not especially for the lack of creativity, but for the poor schmoes out there that are forced by their moronic girlfriends to go see this crap week-in and week-out. Seriously, why do it? Because if it's in order to get laid, I'll tell ya . . . I've had some sex in my day, and I never had to sit through a Reese Witherspoon/Sandra Bullock/J-Lo/Kate Hudson crapfest to get it.




WELCOME HOME ROSCOE JENKINS
Martin Lawrence argues with fat women, falls down stairs, get sprayed by a skunk, and hits his grandma in the head with a softball all while being made fun of by Mike Epps in this new "comedy." This time around, Lawrence stretches his acting ability to the limit in his portrayal of a small-town guy who left his roots behind and made it big as a talk show host. Lawrence then returns to home only to get pummeled repeatedly by fat women, skunks, inanimate objects, and the sardonic tongue of Mike Epps. The trailer is full of physical comedy cliches and sight gags that weren't new when the Three Stooges did them in the 1930s.




That's it for this week! Not too much to bitch about, but next week is Valentine's Day. The most pointless of all holidays always ushers in some terrible movies. Yikes!