Movies That I Will NEVER See - Valentine's Edition

Well, it's Valentine's Day--my favorite day of the year. As I type this, poor saps everywhere are being subjected to two-hour plus waits at restaurants because they fear the wrath of their girlfriend/wife/girl-that-they-are-currently-bedding. And for what, really? A made-up holiday that forces us to do nice things for the people that we love, things that we should be doing all year? Yeah, I don't buy it. But enough bitterness! I'm eating candy and "St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" just came on my iTunes, so I'm happy!

So as I sit home with my candy and John Parr music, I'll be safe from these rotten examples of holiday tie-in cinema.

DEFINITELY, MAYBE
Ryan Reynolds plays a loving but misogynistic father who's having a hard time telling his daughter who her mother is because of all the women he fucked the year she was born. But instead of being perturbed by this, the daughter thinks trying to figure out who her mom is from stories of her dad's promiscuous past is a fun game! Then the audience goes, "Awww!" Seriously, who greenlighted this? They can stamp it with all the "From the makers of Love Actually" stamps in the world, and I still wouldn't go see the goddamn thing. Oh, and Ryan Reynolds looks like Dane Cook. I fucking hate Dane Cook.




STEP UP 2 THE STREETS
If there was any movie from 2006 that cried out for a sequel, it was Step Up. The ending left audiences wondering, "Will they ever dance again?!" Well, the answer is here. And I hate to spoil it for you, but they dance! That's it! More fucking dancing. A whole lot of dancing. People dancing in warehouse with a bunch of people standing around watching them. Dancing with the latest hip-hop hit playing in the background. With all that dancing and a title sounds like something that a moron who uses numbers instead of letters would text message to another moron who uses numbers instead of letters, you can't go wrong!




JUMPER
The kid who ruined my childlike feelings of awe whenever I saw Darth Vader takes yet another sci-fi role as a teleporting guy who gets hunted by . . . other teleporting guys. One of the "other" teleporting guys is the venerable Samuel L. Jackson, who dons a white coif and proves once again that he'll gladly play any part that's thrown at him. This one is rated PG-13 for a generic sci-fi premise, bad acting, mild violence, and language.