T9--The "T" Stands for "Truth"

Being the socially awkward poor conversationalist that I am, I immediately embraced text messaging as my preferred method of communication so many years ago. At first it was a little weird . . . New rules of etiquette had to be established. Is a text impersonal? It's too late to call, but is it too late to text? I just met this girl, would it be weird if I text her before I call her? Etc., etc., etc.

Years later, I still text more than ever. In fact, there are some people that I have never once spoken to on the phone, yet have carried on lengthy full-text conversations with. In fact, texting is so important, that when I left ass raping T-Mobile, text plans were the FIRST thing I took into consideration.

Texting to the degree of intensity that my friends and I do requires the use of T9. You know, predictive text--that magical little function that makes texting fast and easy. According to Wikipedia (also known as the never-wrong fountain of knowledge,) T9 is short for Text on 9 Keys. This program not only makes texting easier, but just so happens to reveal some eerie truths about life. The validity of these truths is proven by the fact that certain combinations of key presses form words that are linked together in ways that defy coincidence. Here are a few examples:

4663=GOOD=HOME
This is an easy one. Home is GOOD. No matter if it's your childhood home, or the new home that you've made for yourself, everybody loves their home. And that is . . . good.

5477=LIPS=KISS
Ah yes . . . the infamous kiss/lips example. Once in a drunken rage of chauvinistic stupidity I sent Bob a text bragging about a makeout conquest that read, "I'll lips anything that moves!" The rest is history.

2665=BOOK=COOL
This one used to ALWAYS infuriate me. I say "cool" hundreds of times a day, but when the fuck do I ever say "book?" Well, that was until I discovered that books are in fact cool. Yes, the genius of J.K Rowling has helped me to become a literate member of society and a regular reader of books . . . that are cool.

5437=KIDS=LIES
Oh children . . . Always LYING. And parents too, always lying to their kids and lying to themselves about being good parents. It's a vicious circle of lies that's existed ever since the first monkey man made sex with the first monkey woman and proof, once again, that T9 knows all.

2625=ANAL=COCK
This one just makes me laugh.