During one of my recent Target constitutionals I wandered into the toy section. Now, usually I stay away from there, given my disdain for screaming children, terrible parents, and the general disorganization of the merchandise (due in large part to the screaming children and terrible parents.) So against my better judgment, I cruised into the toy section to see what kids are playing with these days. My findings made me a little sad.
Toys today are terribly boring. First of all, there is a line action figures based on people with regular "manly" jobs. You know, like cops, fireman, construction workers, etc. I don't know about you guys, but the idea of playing with a toy based on an under-paid blue-collar schmo does not sound all that exciting. There was also your standard licensed fair, such as Spider-Man toys, Shrek toys, and other toys based on high-budgeted PG-13-rated films.
It was all just SO boring. It made me think about how awesome toys were when I was little. Toys that were fun, and creative, and worth throwing a fit in public for. So let's reminisce about a time when children's shoes were bereft of wheels, a time when Saturday morning cartoons were a big deal and punctuated by commercials for toys that didn't suck . . .
Every once in a while, toy-designers like to get together and create a toy that reminds fat kids about how much the world hates them. During my youth, that toy was the the PogoBall. This rubber inflated ball and plastic foot-stand was definitely not for the hefty. And even those that were blessed with not-so-big bones got very little "pogo" out of it. Jumping on a PogoBall felt a lot like jumping while weighted down by an inflatable ball and plastic stand.
Boys love action figures--not dolls--action figures. Action figures with big fucking muscles and guns and mean looking scowls on their faces. I was lucky enough to be born in era that saw the release of a line of action figures that not only fulfilled my masculine fantasies of warfare and destruction, but my culinary ones as well. The Food Fighters were surely the result of brilliant focus group testing that managed to tap into kids love of both fried foods and Rambo.
Jealous of Mattel's success with Food Fighters, rival toy manufacturer Playmates applied similar focus group testing and released the Barnyard Commandos. After all, the only thing kids love more than snacks and blowing shit up is petting zoos and, well . . . blowing shit up. The Barnyard Commandos added some much needed drama to the chaotic, pointless fighting of their food counterparts. The Commandos were divided into two factions: the R.A.M.S. and the P.O.R.K.s. This gave many-a-child their first taste of how cute and cuddly a race war could be.
I barely remember these rosy-cheeked pastel rodent abominations known as Popples. I know I had the orange one and that there was a tie-in cartoon show, but I can't recall how or why these things existed and what the significance of their ability to turn into a ball was. But I do know that pulling the fabric flap down to make a Popple into a ball was really fucking hard for a four-year-old.
What were some of you all's favorite toys when you were kids?
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