Anything Box

For the past few weeks, the only disc that's been spinning in my 360 is The Orange Box. For those of you who aren't in the know, The Orange Box is Valve's love letter (or love package?) to FPS fans everywhere. It's a collection of five games, all of which could easily be packaged and sold separately and make Valve truckloads of money. When describing all that you get by purchasing this collection, I get so enthusiastic that it's hard for me not to sound like the guy on TV hawking Magic Bullets at 3 AM. It's SO GOOD and you get SO MUCH for money.

I completed Half-Life 2, and Portal, and I've put in a little bit of time with Team Fortress 2. All of which are brilliant, but so far the real stand out has been Portal. It's an extremely short and extremely satisfying first-person puzzle game. It's like a nugget made with the finest quality of meats, although unlike most nuggets, it really is satisfying. It's three-hour life span ensures that the game (which is built around a single concept) never gets old. It's an experience that you really must experience, and one that anyone with the necessary hardware to run it would be stupid to pass up.

I feel that Valve's generosity towards gamers is going to spoil us in the long run. Think about it . . . All the overweight virginal gamers eagerly drop $60 on a single product that gets them less than 10 hours of entertainment. Yeah, gamers do that OFTEN. In my case, once or twice a month. But depending on the age, weight, and number of years gone without touching a woman, that figure could increase to three, four, or even FIVE games a month!

Now that's a damn shame . . .

I know it's unlikely, but I hope that Valve's experiment in value and quality OF quantity sends a message to the rest of the industry to stop sticking their dicks in our collective asses and show us some respect.

The spirit of The Box has me giddy, and when I'm giddy I enjoy posting blogs with lists. So! Here I've put together a list of the most famous boxes in the history of boxes. Enjoy!


5. I actually hate this particular box, but its fame cannot be denied. Since 1951, Jack in the Box "restaurants" have been fattening Americans with its over-priced mayonnaise-laden menu. Seriously, they put mayo on the motherfucking breakfast sandwiches! Pardon me while I go throw up at the thought of eating an egg and cheese biscuit with mayonnaise on it.






4. In addition to ditching a boy band, making two amazingly successful and equally amazing albums, and fucking Jessica Biel, Mr. Timberlake thought he needed to prove to us again how awesome he is with an SNL skit. The Dick in a Box video became and Internet/pop culture phenomenon and even won an Emmy . . .or a Grammy. Or an Oscar. Who knows, but that video sure is hilarious.



3. Sure, you can say that me listing Microsoft inaugural gaming device as a cop out, or bias, but then I'll just give you the finger. One could argue that the 360 is more famous, but you can't deny the impact of this monstrosity here. The 87-pound beast came equipped with a hard-drive, four controller ports, and all the network gizmos necessary to bring online gaming to us console folk. I still have mine!





2. Having a shitty day? Well, you can blame this bitch. According to myth, Pandora here was beside herself with curiosity when told not to open a box by a deity or something. Having no self control, she opened it anyways and let loose a set of evil, plagues, death, and destruction upon the world. The legend doesn't say, but I'm sure rush-hour traffic, waiting in line at the bank, and those decals of Calvin peeing on various logos were in the box, too. Thanks a lot, Pandora.


1. OK, don't pretend like you weren't expecting this. The Orange Box is sooooo fucking good that I simply couldn't resist mentioning it again. Five games! Five fucking amazing games! Stop reading this nonsense and go buy the fucking thing already.