Beardly

It's hard to relate the process of beard growth to those that lack the testosterone and appropriately-located follicles to experience it, but I'll try. You see, my job this summer was pretty strict about the facial hair . . . Even peach fuzz was cause for reprimand. But since my internship (or should I say internment?) has ended, I have totally let myself go. Free of the facial-hair regulations of the refinery, I now have some quality Chia-esque action going on, and despite the itchiness and my general homeless appearance, it feels fucking great.

I have always been an advocate for the beard, not only for style reasons, but also because shaving FUCKING SUCKS. The idea of gliding a hand-held instrument equipped with not one, not two, but THREE razors along my jugular has never sat well with me. I sympathize with you ladies out there, I really do. Because the amount of surface area you all have to shave is several orders of magnitude greater than ours. But keep it up, cause I don't like hairy bitches. Just Kidding!

Kind of.

It's funny, too, how something that sucks as much as shaving is a right-of-passage that so many kids look forward to. I don't really get it. I was never gung ho about the whole thing. When everything that those 1970s videos they showed us in gym class started happening to me, the desire to shave was furthest from my mind. In fact, my first "razor" was an electric--a method that I still embrace today for that permanent five o'clock shadow look.

From puberty to my 20-somethings, I thought it'd be fun to take a look at great moments in Michael Hash Facial Hair History. Think of it as a retrospect that celebrates the basic human right to be hairy as well a guide to facial hair done right. Here goes:



















Here we have the Post-Scruff. When combined with a t-shirt and an unkempt looking coif, it is UNSTOPPABLE in the clubs. Beat that, Mystery.















Oh, the Handlebar. Nothing SCREAMS jackass like this pro-wrestler/NRA member popularized classic. When displayed on the beach, it even manages to attract drunken-patchy dopplegangers. Go figure.














Yeah, this totally isn't me. It's some teacher-that-subbed-for's sad husband. This 'stache/glasses/feathered hair combo is the perfect example of what NOT to do.














What we have here is the Winterly, a perfect example of form and function in those cold winter months. Note the completely unnecessary UTEP headband and matching plugs.















The Lincoln tells everybody, "Hey, shaving is for suckers and I am NOT cool with slavery." Which are obviously good messages to send to the world. Snappy clothes and a shiny cardboard hat can really jazz up this particular look.














The Amish look is perfect for those that have a high level of contempt for mustaches and a fondness for butter-churning. Just remember to leave the horn-rimmed glasses at home.


So throw away your Bics and Shicks, because growing and maintaining your facial hair is fun and easy. Well, once you get past the Kevin McDonald Kids in the Hall sketch stage of growing it out, anyways . . . .